4 ways to stay cool amid chaos

When the chaos seems overwhelming, what you can influence is how you react to it and how much it affects you. Here are four ways to stay cool and gain back a bit of control.

You just have to turn on the news nowadays to realize how out of control the world is. First there are the big events – war, terrorism, famine. But then there are the smaller things that are out of your hands, ranging from the weather to your job to your son or daughter.

And if you're an ordered person – someone who has to have everything just so – then feeling out of control is one of the most stressful things that could ever happen to you. But the golden rule of life hasn't changed, and never will: stuff happens. Much of it you can't influence. What you can influence is how you react to it and how much it affects you. Here are four ways to gain back a bit of control.

Then direct your energies to influencing the latter, and accepting the former. This might sound simplistic, but you'd be amazed at how many people still think they can control the traffic, the weather, their boss's mood or the stock market.

• Make a list of all the things in your life that you can't control, no matter how hard you try, and stick it on your fridge and your computer. Then accept it.
• Of course you can care about these things and try to influence their outcome. But it's essential that you untie your emotional well-being from those things that you cannot alter.

When bad things happen, sit down and write out what you might have done differently. This self-assessment is not aimed at blaming yourself or beating yourself up; it's a chance to say, "I may not control everything, but I do control me." What can I do with myself to make this work better and turn out more to my liking?

• So, if you get a bad evaluation at work, say, don't respond to it by blaming your boss or your bad luck. Instead, be honest with yourself about what you could have done differently that year – like getting into work on time and meeting all your deadlines – to get a better result.
• Understanding your role in the situation will help you to realize that the world is actually a fairly controllable place.

Nothing puts more control back into your hands than taking all the "to-dos" swirling through your head and writing them down. Now plan how you will accomplish each one.

• If one of the things on your list is Christmas shopping, say, set yourself a date, a time and a time limit to do it.
• If another item on your list is to clean the whole house, break it down into smaller, more manageable parts. So on Monday you clean the kitchen, on Tuesday the bathroom and so on.

There is a good deal of research showing that the perception of being in control is more important than the actual control.

• For instance, people are able to tolerate a hot room if they know they have the option of turning down the heat.
• So come up with some little things that you can do to make your own chaotic situations seem more manageable.