Dos and don’ts on fitting in with his (or her) family

When you commit to a long-term relationship, especially a marriage, you not only gain a spouse, but in-laws too. If your spouse's family is quite different from your own, this can be a challenge. Cut yourself a break and give yourself some time to settle into having a whole new second family. But do make an effort, if you want things to work out. Here's how to survive the transition and thrive long-term.

• Do understand how your spouse relates to his or her parents.
• Do take the time to get to know your in-laws — if you're separated by distance, make time to write, phone or email.
• Do check with your partner about family customs. Will his mother expect a hostess gift? A thank-you note? What do they like to eat? What's their sense of humour like? Can you talk about politics or religion in front of them?
• Do be polite and friendly — use your most charming ways around your in-laws.
• Dot hink about what will work best for you and your partner before you try to please your partner's family.
• Do consider doing something that's time-limited and easier than the alternatives. For example, if you go to dinner in a restaurant, everyone might be a bit better behaved.

• Don't assume that the family dynamic will resemble that of your own family.
• Don't take offense easily — you may just not understand the family dynamic.
• Don't criticize your partner's family. Rather, ask for explanations of things you don't understand.
• Don't assume they understand how you feel — they may not have a clue. Along those lines, don't take their comments and reactions personally. You may not understand them as they were meant.
• Don't hesitate to ask your spouse how it went when it's over. A short debriefing session could help both of you.

The dynamic of meeting your loved one's family is unlike any other, but following some simple guidelines will let you better understand them and lead to a better relationship down the road.